Generally, knowing a person well enough will likely make you closer to the person and like him/her better, but sometimes it makes you totally put off because you have just discovered for yourself how sucky the person really is. It is the same for a place, a school, a country, or this whole life and the meaning (if it has one) behind it.
And then you realised that in that misty, dusty and smoky castle lived a twinkle of hope, a beautiful soul that lighted up this hopeless world. Unscrupulous as the world may seem to be, or the way people force it to be, if you look hard, hidden somewhere in time is that magical light shining faintly. Some people see the light, some searching in vain but fail to discover one.
Sometimes i wonder what i am doing here, one third of my life so far was spent away from my family. It was the coin of life that i tossed and never in my dream did i know that single decision changed my life forever. I'm so carefree, yet i think too much. I laugh easily, so i laugh at adversity as well, and yet i find it so hard to live without a person.
Everything is making me sick, work, school, hypocrites...

Sometimes when i watch those teenage movies, i wish i could have that simple life where i have a home to return to everyday, where i can meet my boyfriend at weekends, or at least it is as simple as that sentence you normally see on the screen '5 years later...'in a blink the movie shows you what happens 5 or 10 years down the road, sometimes i wonder how the person's life is like throughout that 5 or 10 years. 'it's okay, it's alright, .... fight fight fight'.

Some fortune teller whom my aunt brought home to see some feng-shui stuffs when she wanted to rebuild the house saw me (i was about 12) and my mum who happened to be there and told my mum that i would travel across the seas and will go to a far place, and one thing, my eyes were full of joy as well as deep thoughts. My mum didnt take it very seriously, she told me, i was too young that time for her to even think of me going anywhere far. But when she recalled it, if it was just a guess by that fortune teller, she did make an accurate guess about me going to a far place. I personally do not really believe in all those stuffs, but at times it is quite interesting how our life turns out to be the same as what someone said it would be.
It is like a movie.

Jane called me online when i had just finished writing the previously para, talking to her makes me feel better. talking to a true friend will always make you feel good because you know they really care. I saw some JC students in can A when i was having lunch with weimin today after subject registration, it made me miss TJ, weimin said i am die-hard TJcian because i went to download TJ school song hahaa, not sure if i am, but i miss the school, the people i got to know there, the place where i know some people really care a lot for me, where there is no worry about working life, and no worry about being homeless (because i didnt need no bloody point to stay in hostel)

When you face with some difficulty in life, people say 'C'est la vie!', everyone seems to know and say these words, people who know or don't know French. That is life, yes i do know, but all the huddles in life that i have to jump over will be much lower if only you were here. In fact, for now, that huddle of you being far away seems to be the highest of all.

coming back soon, very soon...

me as young working adult

I went to the client's office alone today. The thought of being there alone was scary at first, but just before i left, Derrick told me "Don't worry lah, you're so friendly, sure can one" and it kinda gave me a bit of extra inspiration.

So, i left my PA firm and off i went to the client's company carrying along my laptop, documents and handbag. I felt asleep in the taxi and woke up just nice when the uncle driver stopped in front of the fountain. The receptionist gave me a bright smile and asked if she can help me with anything. Remembered what my senior used to say when i followed her last week to client's office, i repeated the same thing, trying to sound professional hahaha "Good morning, I am the auditor from ...". The receptionist smiled again and in her sweet voice, she said "Oh, good morning. Let me show you to your room"

First time I've ever worked like an adult on my own. I know Albert sounded as if it's easy to go to client's place and work alone. But for me, sometimes i can be quite timid, i can only be so thick-skinned towards those i've known for long. The responsibility of carrying my PA firm's image isn't a super easy task for me, all my friends there were shocked when they knew that i had to go alone. And so, i was a bit scared that i might mess things up... It turned out to be fine there though.. heehee..

It was fun having an equiped room just for myself,(but of course everytime like that i'll feel sianz lah, my seniors also said, work alone for long sure will be sianz one)

I tried to find everything I possibly can, so I wouldn't have to disturb the accountant so many times, she's friendly towards me though. And it is actually very fortunate because i do remember mingyong's stories.

For the past two weeks, I've learnt lots of new things, i know weimin can surf net everyday and at certain point of time i wish i could be like him, but after all, there's always a positive aspect behind any hard work. Weimin will be busy very soon, next week i think. Maybe when he has lots of things to do, he'll miss the old idle time hahaha.

now i kinda get to see for myself how an auditor's life is like. Most of us will follow that destined path after graduatation, i thought i would too, but after 2 weeks of work, that path kinda become blurred to me. It's not because of the nature of the job, as in the tasks that they do cos i'm okay with it. It's all because of the long working hours. If working until 2 am is a norm, I'll probably faint in the office after one month. And how about family, will i have a happy family if i always work long hours? i know it's kinda early to think about all this, but it's quite a pressing issue, remember that we're graduating next year. Oh dear, i'm confused. I'm scared that if i become an auditor, i'll have to trade in painting, movies, and all other hobbies because i'll simply have no time for all that. 'Will i be a happy girl, will i be rich? and this is what they said to me. oh Heidi Heidi, whatever will be will be, the future is not for us to see, oh Heidi, Heidi.' Okay, i'm just lame. For now, i guess all i can do is to put my best in all the tasks given to me. And i'll see if my opinion changes at the end of this two and a half months

i miss you Jane. If you were here to play piano for me, i would feel much better with your soothing music. I have them all in my CDs actually, i bought the '101 famous classical masterpieces' ( the 5 CDs collection) last year. But listening to you playing the music for me and listening to the cd are simply poles apart.

Looking forward to seeing you soon my dear Zane Zane. One more month and you are gonna be back here... and hee.... a bit more and Wei Chern is gonna be back too. That'll be double happiness. And yes, Tu Anh told me she's also coming back, and plus my seniors, that will be triple or quadrup, or whatever more happiness. (all this double, triple things remind me of Ben & Jerry's again hahaha.. i've been eating too much of Ben & Jerry's, it is probably writen on my forehead now). How is Stella doing in Hongkong? i miss Stella.. (and Yan Ling, my beloved seniors cum RI roommates, but lucky blur-queen Yan Ling is working here now, so can meet up more easily)

Sometimes i really wanna turn back time, so that i can be thrown out of this taxing and adult-like university environment. Somehow, JC life is so much simpler... 'la la la no worries' kind of feelings... I must say i become more mature as the result of university life, stronger as well (but still always turn to Wei chern for an answer when i can't find the answer myself hee), but i am still the old optimistic girl that my old dear friends have known me for. (if i had been more mature in jc, my gp wouldnt have been so ja lat hahaha, now look back, i think my essays in jc were darn childish, no substance, not like wei chern's one la... always so mature and thought-provoking... i only liked to write flowery stories in secondary school, yeah, it is so much more fun writing stories.. )

It is now different, knowing more and going through more makes me understand this world a bit better i guess. But my principle won't change (even though now i know this world can be quite stupid sometimes), i want my friends to be happy, and i wanna keep myself happy no matter what. It is for John and my family, for myself and for all those who want me to be a happy girl. Those who are my true friends will be there for me till the end of time. I know very well they definitely will, and I'll always be there for them too, no matter what.

I'm glad that I'm safe (in this world that sometimes turns mad) with the thought that my loved ones are there for me. I know many among them are far away from me by distance, my family, John, Zane Zane, my friends and seniors... but knowing that i have them is enough to warm my heart. Now i've come to realise that good friends are really hard to come by, i treasure my friends more. When i stumble, i know they are there. When i fall, i know they are still there. and when i'm happy, i know they are there again. I just feel really glad that i have them, those i know will always care for me no matter what. I may not even stay in this land after all, where will i be 5 or 6 years down the road? i cant say for now... spending 10 years in this place doesn't make it a solid yes that i'm gonna stay here for the rest of my life. But those friends here that have become so important to me are gonna be there in my life forever.

Of course in the event that i decide to stay here for reason that everyone has known of (rayner, don't laugh!), then i know heehee, my close friends and i are gonna be there for each other till the end of time. Friendship is such a meaningful thing that i have no word to explain. I know it in my heart and my friends know it in theirs. My JC teacher told me that sometimes you have to let go those that are not your real friends after all. It's a really hard thing to learn, really very hard. It is never easy to convince yourself that the person is actually not treating you as her/his friend, but my teacher said in life there are many such people, and you just have to learn to let go when the time comes. I hope i will never need to let go, i would never want to.